The Joke Thread

A young cowboy gets a job on a big cattle ranch.
The Foreman assigns him a job tells him to take a couple horses and that he will be stationed at a line cabin for 5 months checking fence line. A few days go by and all is well. The next day He accidently sleeps in late wakes up hurriedly runs out saddles the horse and head off down the south fence line . When suddenly his horse is startled and rears up. Looking down He sees a rattlesnake coiled in the path. He draws his revolver and is about to shoot the snake when suddenly the rattlesnake speaks !! “Wait dont shoot me I’m an enchanted rattlesnake if you spare my life I will grant you 3 wishes.” The young cowboy hesitates then decides why not. “Ok” said the Cowboy. The Rattlesnake says whats your first wish. The cowboy says I want to have the face of Brad Pitt . Rattlesnake says its done. Whats your second wish ? The Cowboy says I want the physique and muscles of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The rattlesnake says its done. Whats your 3rd and final wish? The cowboy thinks quickly and says oh yeah I want the sexual equipment like this trusty stead I’m riding ! The Rattle snake says its done all are granted ride back to the cabin and look in the mirror and all your wishes will come true and then slithers off. The young cowboy so excited he wheels the horse around and quickly rides back to the cabin and runs in and looks in the mirror staring back at him is the face of Brad Pitt ! He then Grabs his shirt and rips it off & to his amazement the muscles of Arnold Schwarzenegger. He can hardly contain his excitement and drops his trousers and then cries Oh my Lord !! I was riding the mare !!!

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/ deep sigh

SMH

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An avid deer hunter @albroswift is approached by his city dwelling friend @Robert hey I would love to go elk hunting with you sometime. But @albroswift just shrugs it off and says you dont know anything about hunting and you would mess my hunt up. Well @Robert repeatedly ask and finally @albroswift caves in and says okay I will coach you and above all you must remain completely silent :shushing_face:. @Robert agrees to the terms and arrives one September morning to go hunting. @albroswift takes @Robert up to a nice ridge line and sits him at the base of a large Pine tree. Now remember @Robert you must remain completely silent not one peep, Im going to go on up the ridge a couple hundred yards and get in my spot. About an hour passes by and just as @albroswift is about to release an arrow in a nice 5x5 He hears a blood curdling scream. @albroswift is furious and comes quickly back out the ridgeline to find @Robert standing unharmed near the spot He was placed. I thought I told you to be deathly quiet !!! @Robert says oh I was ,you dont understand… There I was sitting at the base of that pine tree and you see that hole over there a large rattlesnake came out of it and slithered right across my calves. And then you screamed said @albroswift oh no I was completely quiet, so what happened that you screamed. Well said @Robert you see those mountian laurels a giant grizzly bear came lumbering out of there and came right up to me and sniffed me right in the face. Oh so thats when you screamed said @albroswift , Nope I was deathly still and he walked away … okay Im getting ticked off here so what made you scream…Okay saud @Robert you see that tree you had me sitting at the base of … well right after the grizzly left 2 red squirrels came running down out of it and one ran up each pant leg. And I didnt move, But when I heard the one say to the other you want to eat these here or take em home I couldnt hold it in no longer !!!

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:joy: :joy: :joy:
Groan or no groan :rofl:

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Lesson to not go hunting with Albert :no_entry_sign:

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I had a dear friend who was a mentor to me who passed away last year. One of his favorite pass times was telling jokes. I really miss his laughter and sense of humor. He was so funny . He knew a million jokes it seemed .

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So there was a grumpy old shopkeeper who hated everyone

One day an old redneck man came to him and asked:

-I want buy 10 bags of dog food.

-I won’t sell you dog food unless you come with a dog.

-But I do not want to come to this shop with a dog.

Later he came with his 5 bluetick hounds and got his dog food.

The next day he came again and said:

-I want to buy 5 large bags of cat food.

-I won’t sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.

-But I do not want to come to this shop with my cat.

Later he came with his 2 maine coon cats and got his cat food.

The next day he came with a paper bag:

-Put hand inside.

-Why?

-Just put hand inside.

-OK.

-Warm?

-Yes.

-Soft?

-Yes.

-I want buy toilet paper.

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Is this an R-rated thread? I got jokes but not any good ones

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No, its public, you can create one in the private area of course, but I can’t say its a good idea, I don’t see much appetite for that flavor here, think we’re all past those days, but… I could be wrong

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Gotcha

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Maybe see if you can broaden your repertoire and find a few to post here that are of the cleaner sort. Mine where edgy but clean.

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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Now you’re rolling!

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Ok no hooker,blow,religion,gay,or fart jokes that rules out talking about @Joe

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Try a joke out if its bad i can delete it for you and you can try again.:joy:

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Do not put yourself through such agony as to test his resolve to be annoying, I’ve seen just a couple of glimpses of hope he may turn out good, try to encourage those, if you encourage bad behavior you’ll find he dishes it up

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Oklahoma

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I tried to take my emotional support hooker on my last flight but Delta didnt think she qualified :pensive: :joy:

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Burglar breaks into a nice house and begins collecting his
haul. As he’s working, he hears a voice.

“Jesus is watching you.” He looks around, sees no one, and continues. A bit later, same voice,

“Jesus is watching you.” He stops, looks around, and continues. Voice again. He decides he has to know where it’s coming from. Looking around more carefully, he spots a parrot on a perch. He asks,

:?Are you Jesus."
“Nope. I’m Gabriel. Jesus is the rottweiler watching you from the doorway.”

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